What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelons?

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. 
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" 
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." 
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

General Mills is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge?

How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.

If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us tickets.

The doctor says to the patient, “Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window.”
“What will that do?” asks the patient.
The doctor says, “I’m mad at my neighbor!”

After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”

Against the advice of his stockbroker, Willings bought ten thousand shares of Miraculous Mining at a dollar a share. The value went up to two dollars. Willings called his broker and said, “Buy ten thousand more shares”. The price soared to four dollars. Willings called again and ordered another twenty thousand shares. The value shot up to six dollars. Willings called the stockbroker again and said, “It’s time to take a profit”, and he said “sell it all.” “Sell” his broker asked, “To who?”

How can a pregnant woman tell that she is carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney!

Police office to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your  tires must be exchanged, and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be $300.
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much at the garage.

One year, a busy husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year he didn’t get her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, “Well you still haven’t used the gift from last year.

A good lawyer knows the law; a great lawyer knows the judge!

A boy watching television hears the name Jesus Christ. Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She says she is too busy and to go ask his father who is too busy, likewise too his brother and a sister. Still wondering, the boy starts downtown and sees a bum sitting in an ally. He asks the bum who is Jesus Christ. The bum replies, “Well, son I am.” The boy unbelieving asks for proof. So the bum takes the boy in a bar down the street and as they walk up to the counter, much to the boy’s surprise the bartender shouts, “Jesus Christ, are you back again.” The boy went home and thrilled his mother with the declaration that he had met Jesus Christ.

The patient was lying in bed still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum. “I can’t be sure what’s wrong with you,” the doctor said. “I think it’s the drinking.” “Okay,” said the patient. “Can we get an opinion from a doctor who’s sober?”

An extraordinary handsome man set out to find the perfect beautiful wife to provide them with perfectly beautiful children. He traveled across the country in search for a wife when he met a farmer in the Midwest who had three beautiful daughters. The farmer suggested the man date his daughters and find the one that was perfect. The first daughter the man dated seemed a little unsettling and the farmer ask why. The man replied, “Well she’s just a weeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed.” The handsome man asked to date a second daughter. The second daughter the man dated seemed a little unsettling and the farmer ask why. The man replied, “Well she’s just a weeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but cross-eyed.” The handsome man asked to date a third daughter. After the date with the third daughter the handsome man rushed in and asked the farmer for his daughters hand in marriage, which the farmer gave consent. A few months after the marriage the daughter was in the delivery room as the doctor was delivering the ultimate beautiful baby and there was heard an “Oh My God” exclamation from the doctor. The handsome man asked if something was wrong and the doctor replied, “That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen.” The handsome man rushed to the farmer’s home and asked how that was possible. Well said the farmer, “She was just a weeee bit, not that you could hardly notice, just a little pregnant when you met her.”

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

 The local priest came across Jimbo who had stumbled out of the town tavern. “Jimbo” he said, “I’m afraid I’ll not be seeing you in Heaven one day.”  “Really, Father?” slurred Jimbo. “You can tell me, “What on earth have you done?”

Everybody needs a laugh sometimes...

Daniel Boone sends these much appreciated words of cheer to all MHS60 classmates. A little cheer in these days of pirates, psychos, wackos, and bail-outs a little humor is welcome news.

 I have no idea who put this together,
but, it's really wonderful!!

Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan, or the dawn of Camelot.

There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me, 

For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn.

We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry in circles on the lawn.

 We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one's seen him since.

We danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'
And cried for Buddy Holly
in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Only girls wore earings then, And three was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick,
in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie, they never made it twice.

We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty
in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp.

We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T,
And Oprah couldn't talk yet,
in the Land That Made Me, Me.
We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe.

For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever
 in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson ,
and Zeppelins were not Led.

And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,
Madonna was Mary
in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed, but they weren't grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and 'gay' meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never co-ed
in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.

And Hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction
in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Buicks came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.

And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,
And Castro came to power
near the Land That Made Me, Me.

We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill Street Blues,
And no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea,
Or prime-time ads  for those dysfunction
in the Land That Made Me Me.

There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda , and cats were not called Bill.

And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,
And ancient were our parents
in the Land That Made Me, Me.

But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A.

They send us invitations to join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby,
from the Land That Made Me, Me.

So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines.
And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away
in the Land That Made Me, Me.

For those of you too young to remember...

Bob Hope,
ask your Grandparents!!!
And thanks for the memories............

I Hope this will put a smile on your face and in your heart.
A tribute to a man that did make a difference

May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003

'You still chase women, but only downhill'.

'That's the time of your life when even your
birthday suit needs pressing.'

'You know you're getting old when the
candles cost more than the cake.'

' I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything
until noon . Then it's time for my nap.'


'I ruined my hands in the ring . the
referee kept stepping on them.'

'Welcome to the Academy Awards or,
as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.'

'Golf is my profession. Show business
is just to pay the green fees.'

'I have performed for 12 presidents
and entertained only six.'


'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, '
Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'.'


'I feel very humble, but I think I have
the strength of character to fight it.'

'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got
cold, mother threw on another brother.'

'That's how I learned to dance.
Waiting for the bathroom.'

'I would not have had anything to eat
if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'

'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd
hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

'Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folks.'


Be careful what you wish for!

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying, "for being such an exemplary married couple and for loving each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." 

The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel the world with my darling husband." 
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment:
"Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." 

The wife and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish and shall be granted as promised as the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!.... The husband became 93 years old.  
As the fairy vanished she said to the wife, "you may have to find another partner for those tickets." 

                  The moral of this story:
Men who paid attention in literature class would remember fairies are females......Genies are male.

So pass this to a female who needs a good laugh....